Emotions Surrounding the Suspected Diagnosis

Whether you're just now entering the world of ASD or have been in it awhile, I think the majority of us have similar emotions. I can say I went through all the stages of the grieving process: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I felt each stage deeply and each stage emotionally drained me.

I can't say the same for everyone, some people might have taken the news well or some could have felt more like me. It took me almost a full year to really feel like I accepted my future with Graysons diagnosis and to walk through the process of grieving.

Denial: I knew something was off with Grayson, I saw the differences between his peers and him, how behind he was language wise and how he just lacked a lot of skills his peers did. I remember thinking to myself that nothing could actually be wrong. I attributed his repetitive traits and lack of language to him just taking his time and kept saying,

• "Kids will be kids, he is just unique"

• "Let's give it more time and see"

• "When his language skills improve, the differences won't be so noticeable"

Anger: Anger for me, came from the overwhelming news. Once Grayson start therapy and his therapist started mentioning ASD, I started googling anything and everything I could find out about ASD. I do admit, I was angry. I was a person who wanted kids her whole life. Desperately wanted a family, wanted to be a stay at home mom and raise tons of kids. I was 26, and Grayson is my first.I quit my job to raise Grayson and had so many hopes and dreams for him that I felt like were going away. I constantly asked myself questions such as:

• "Why me?"

• "I have always wanted kids, and this is what I might have to deal with?"

• "What do I do now?"

• "What if he does have ASD? What will others think?"

I also had a sense of embarrassment. It is so hard, even now, to admit that out loud. I felt ashamed for feeling that way but also angry I was evening feeling that way. I didn't know how to tell others and I didn't want to tell others. I didn't want to believe something was wrong, so I was constantly wondering what excuses I could make for him and why he is behaving a certain way.

Bargaining: This is when Mama Bear really kicked in. I felt if something was off with Grayson, I was going to do everything in my power to try to stop, or lessen the symptoms and traits he was showing and everything I researched said that early intervention was KEY. I looked into so many different therapies. ABA, speech therapy, occupational therapy, physical therapy and eating therapy seemed to be the most suggested therapies.

I remember asking my speech therapist what she thought about other therapies for Grayson. She recommended Grayson for an Occupational Therapy evaluation because she noticed some sensory issues that he was dealing with. I worked with Grayson at home constantly and felt the more I could do, maybe he could outgrow the diagnosis? I understand now there is no such thing. One cannot outgrow the diagnosis.

Depression:I worked with Grayson, bought all the toys, got him into Speech Therapy twice a week for an hour and OT once a week for an hour. I did see a little improvement, but there was not a lot. He actually was getting more repetitive as he got older, still was not talking or saying his words he had previously said around 2, and becoming more rigid. It hurt my heart when I tried to take him to play dates because he wouldn't have any interest in the other kids, or he was the only one lining toys up or spinning the wheels on a car. I found myself crying quite a bit.

I felt sad. I felt sad my child was different and the realization that he was not going to be like other kids, that he may never say Mama again or that I may never hear his voice again, broke my heart. The funny quirks I used to smile and laugh at, where no longer funny anymore. Taking him places where other kids his age were, was no longer fun because his developmental delay was so apparent. There were several months that I didn't want to go anywhere. I just felt sad. This to me, was the hardest stage to get through.

Acceptance: The final stage. The best stage. The most FREEING stage.

I am not sure exactly the transition between depression and acceptance happened. I feel it almost happened overnight. I remember waking up and thinking to myself, "Grayson is still my perfect little boy, and if he is going to be neurodivergent, then I am going to help support him and do what I can to accommodate his needs."

I realized that if Grayson never talks, then so be it. My goal is communication, not him necessarily talking. If Grayson is going to have sensory needs, then I am going to buy him or get him what he needs to interact with the world we are in. If he doesn't play with other kids? So what- at least he is happy and healthy! I started looking as if we were in a different world. His world. I started looking at the world through his eyes and that was eye opening.

The best thing that helped me through the acceptance period was telling others. I told friends and family and they were all very accepting. It actually made relationships with him stronger. People now understood Graysons quirks and tried to accommodate his needs. I no longer felt like I needed an excuse to why he was acting the way he was. It helped everyone accept and learn how to be apart of Graysons world.

Ending Thoughts: Now looking back, I was just scared. I was scared of the unknowns and grieving what I had planned in my head for Graysons future. I truly believe we are given our kiddos because we CAN handle it. If they were given to someone else, what if they weren't as strong or couldn't provide like we could? We are the best advocate for our kiddos. Also a huge realization I had to come to was:

With or Without a diagnosis, our kiddos are still the same. Just because you don't recognize the diagnosis doesn't mean it is not there. Our kids futures dont change because now we have the word "Autism" to describe them. They are the same, EXACT, kiddos we have always had. I was grieving what I thought I had lost, but I should have been celebrating the knowledge I gained.